why

Sometimes I wonder why this happened to me. Was I genetically programed to have an eating disorder or was it something I just developed in my life. I can never "forget" that i am disordered (at least with food, if not evry aspect of my life) but I can forget that other people aren't but as recently with christmas and holidays I have been spending lots of time with my family and in particular my young cousins. It has truly opened my eyes up to the fact that I am different and I have a problem, I think it is why I love reading these blogs that I can feel the sense of familiarity instead of the alienation I feel around family and friends regarding food. I'ts a sad fact that I, at only 16 cannot remember a time or an age when i didn't have food issues, perhaps I have always had them subconciously at a young age. I have a memory of my birthday dinner at a restaurant where i ate and ate and ate waayyy past the full feeling before going to throw up in the bathroom, then coming straight from the bathroom back to the table to repeat the whole process. I remember stealing my mum's exercise books and copying them into my pink heart shaped notepad and doing them everyday in the hopes of losing weight. If anything it makes me dteremined that my precious cousins will avoid this. I will make they have a childhood that does not revolve around weight and food, because its everything I didn't have.