bring on 2010

Finally 2009 is over, I must say it was a pretty bad year for me in fact it has probably been the worst so I am more then ready to be out with the old and in with the new. When it strikes midnight I will leave behind the old Beth and in her place will be the new Anabeth, in control, classy and oh so skinny :):)
This means there are habits I have which must be left behind, there is nothing controlled about stuffing yourself with food and there is absolutely nothing classy about sticking your fingers down your throat until you throw up. So binging and purging are out and starving and restricting are in.
I have probably never kept any new years resolution to date but I always write them religiously each New Years eve so here goes
1. I will not binge. Ever
2. No more purging because I will no longer be binging
3. I will start the ABC on the 1st and follow it for all 50 days without slipping up once
4. I will reach my goal weight of 49 kg
5. Once I reach my goal weight I will never ever be over 50kgs again.
There. let's see how we go this year.
Happy New Year!!

the little voice in my head..

"Turn the hot water off", "but I'm really cold and hot showers are the only thing that gets me truly warm", "Well would you rather be fat and warm or cold and skinny?? cold showers burn more calories". The shower stays hot and I remain fat as the two voices battle it out in my head. I've heard of people talking about having 'ana' as a friend but for me it's like having a split personality. There is me, Beth, trying to be normalish while Anabeth is the voice of anorexia in my head. We argue over most things like eating chocolates (Beth: but there soo yummy!, Anabeth: But there soooo fatty!!!!!) but there is one thing that we agree on that holds us together, I am entitrely wayyy to fat and I need to be skinny. I really need to stop being Beth and so much and be Anabeth alot more.

why

Sometimes I wonder why this happened to me. Was I genetically programed to have an eating disorder or was it something I just developed in my life. I can never "forget" that i am disordered (at least with food, if not evry aspect of my life) but I can forget that other people aren't but as recently with christmas and holidays I have been spending lots of time with my family and in particular my young cousins. It has truly opened my eyes up to the fact that I am different and I have a problem, I think it is why I love reading these blogs that I can feel the sense of familiarity instead of the alienation I feel around family and friends regarding food. I'ts a sad fact that I, at only 16 cannot remember a time or an age when i didn't have food issues, perhaps I have always had them subconciously at a young age. I have a memory of my birthday dinner at a restaurant where i ate and ate and ate waayyy past the full feeling before going to throw up in the bathroom, then coming straight from the bathroom back to the table to repeat the whole process. I remember stealing my mum's exercise books and copying them into my pink heart shaped notepad and doing them everyday in the hopes of losing weight. If anything it makes me dteremined that my precious cousins will avoid this. I will make they have a childhood that does not revolve around weight and food, because its everything I didn't have.

self-control

I have many love/hate relationships in my life but the biggest one would have to be with self control. I love it dearly when I have it I feel like I can abstain from food for the rest of my life, but it's a fickle friend and when it leaves me as it always does I hate it so much for leaving me weak, greedy and full of food, praying for the day when it will see fit to return to me. I know who wears the pants ( size 00 mind you) in this relationship.
Hmm am I sounding a bit bitter? Like a rejected lover sitting at the computer stuffing chocolate after chocolate into her big fat mouth as she types?
Excuse my moment of insanity, i'll be better soon.. as long as self control comes back to me :):)

Deep and meaningful

Sometimes life really gets me down. When you think about all the things wrong in the world, cruelty to animals, cruelty to people for that matter, good people dying of cancer, starving and living in the street while bad people live long rich happy lives. I hate when things are unfair and even more I hate when i can't do anything about it. I hate that people die, just disapear. gone. I hate that people who want to live don't while people like I, who take life for granted get to live the day they missed out on. There are many things in life I can't stand, I can't find reason for and I can't change. Thats were my eating disorder comes into play because when you sepnd every waking minute thinking about food and exercise and how much weight you want to lose and how much you weigh, there doesn't leave a lot of time to worry about the homeless or the little kid being picked on. And really when it comes down to it there not as important as which size pants my fat legs can squeeze into, its a sad fact that at the end of the day I place priority on myself and my obsessions then to the good of the world but unfortunately thats the only way i can cope, just block it out with thoughts of ana. Unfortunately that means i cant see myself recovering because there is always going to be bad and unfair things in this world and im always going to need a distraction.

uplifting much??

numbers

Sometimes i feel like my life revovles around numbers. I wake up each morning planning the number of things i will or wont eat each day, the number of calories and number of fat grams in said foods. the number it says on the tag of my jeans, The number of times i will have to lie each day as to why i am not eating and the most important two numbers: the number of weight i have to lose to reach my goal. but none of these numbers come even close to the importance of the last major number in my life. That is the number that will come up when i step on the scale in the morning, during the day, before i go to bed and before and after i go to the bathroom every day. This is the number that rules my life and this is the only number that truly matters to me. So yes my life does revolve around numbers.

christmas time

I hear the sounds of my family laughing, the sounds of glasses clinking and cutlery being scraped across plate, these noises muffled by my retching as i stick my fingers down my throat, further and further i feel like im choking until.. oup comes the chocolate and splash it lands into the toilet bowl accompianed by a spot of blood. this is my 3rd trip to the bathroom and its only lunchtime. Merry Fucking Christmas.